Illustration by Kristin Texeira
Dream of running. Dark and bright and colors and legs springing. Pumpkin chase, happy running. No wind, still air, Pumpkin dreaming. No chase. No wake. Sun is warm by window. Pumpkin sleeps in warm. Wake sharp, quick, no chase. Now wake.
Once window open, Pumpkin feel air move, chase moths and little things that dance against screen. Bat at with claws out, tear screen, make She mad. Warm air gone, window closed, no moths little things against screen. Nothing to claw.
So Pumpkin sit in warm. Glass makes shine light warm, air cold outside. Pumpkin’s fur is thick now. Cold is here.
Pumpkin stretch legs. She comes and touches Pumpkin. Pumpkin bone so close to skin. Pumpkin old. Pumpkin tired. She hands feel nice, soft, warm. Pumpkin purr.
Pumpkin dream again. Sleep easy now. Dark easy now. Night eyes see better, dream eyes see better. There things to chase in dream. Pumpkin run in dream. Wake Pumpkin run no more. Old. Tired. Bone close to skin. No run no more.
Wake by scent, strong. Pumpkin have no wake dream to tell what scent is. Inside is not. Scent is outside. Pumpkin smell whole inside along the hard part, hard bottom and hard sides. Scent outside. Scent bad.
Inside meets outside, Pumpkin there. She needs to come, open inside to outside. She not come. She sit, watch She dreams outside of She head. She dreams make noise Pumpkin hear. Lights, too. Pumpkin cries at the inside outside. Pumpkin cries so She comes. She comes not. She noises kisses. She noises Pumpkin come to She sit. Pumpkin out. Understand She? Pumpkin out. Pumpkin cry. Out. Out. Out. Out. Scent out. Pumpkin out.
She here. Look Pumpkin, noise Pumpkin. No out Pumpkin, She noise. Must out. Must out. No pumpkin, She noise. Pumpkin love She. Pumpkin make know. Pumpkin love She with head. Rub feels nice. Rub show love. Pumpkin love. But Pumpkin out. Pumpkin love, but Pumpkin go. Scent strong. Pumpkin go.
She smalls down to Pumpkin. She rub face and head and Pumpkin tail start where Pumpkin claws cannot go. Nice. Touch nice She. Pumpkin out, though. Pumpkin out. Love now, no love after. Pumpkin out, Pumpkin gone.
Pumpkin cry. She make inside outside. Air moves now. Cold. She noise Pumpkin. She noise Why no out Pumpkin, all that crying? Pumpkin fear, Pumpkin scent fear. Pumpkin miss She, will. No more Pumpkin. Pumpkin out, no again in. Pumpkin say goodbye. Love She. Goodbye, She.
Inside now outside. She makes inside closed. Pumpkin see She in window. Cold air moving, scent strong bad fear, Pumpkin inside? No. No more inside again. Pumpkin out now.
Ground, grass, cold, hard. In the warm, grass soft, ground soft. Now cold, hard. Air moves cold fast against fur. Pumpkin scent own. Mix with bad scent. Must clean Pumpkin. Must make no scent. Tongue clean Pumpkin. Wash away Pumpkin scent. Make Pumpkin invisible. Must hunt bad scent.
No up life. No uplife songs or taunting Pumpkin. Uplife fly away with warm. Only groundlife now, in cold. Scent is strong. Groundlife must be near. Pumpkin smell air move. Follow air move, follow scent. Must be big. Pumpkin no hunger, but Pumpkin hunt big smell. Pumpkin hunt big smell, bring big smell home, show She Pumpkin love. No. No Pumpkin home. No Pumpkin show love. Pumpkin out now.
Dead brown crunch ground. Smell like old sky. Pumpkin paws crunch dead brown, noise, bad noise. Bad noise for hunt. Pumpkin slow. Pumpkin paws slow. Make little noise. Bad smell bigger. Pumpkin not close. Pumpkin needs further. Further into outside. Outside bigger than before. Pumpkin know outside, not know this outside. Pumpkin bones tired, closer to skin. Pumpkin sleep, dream of chase? No. No sleep. Chase in wake. Chase in now. Hunt in now. Big smell. Big smell hunt.
Air move hurt. Cold hurt. Air noise, crying. Move Pumpkin, push Pumpkin, hard like inside. Pumpkin push back. Cold, hard. Pumpkin need move on. Pumpkin hunt big smell. Pumpkin find more outside. New outside, far from inside. Pumpkin hunts.
Pumpkin wake dreams about kin. Tiny, small Pumpkin, before Pumpkin. Brothersisters suckle mother’s milk. Warm, sweet. Pumpkin and brothersisters squeeze to reach teat. No know then life. Know then only milk, warm. No love. Mother knew love. Cleaned Pumpkin, protected Pumpkin from big things.
Why Pumpkin wake dream this? Old things in Pumpkin wake dream now. Wake dream She, holding Pumpkin giving Pumpkin name. Fur so soft, Pumpkin so little. She Pumpkin carry. She new mother. Milk pool, now. No teat. She hairless paws, rub head, say Pumpkin Pumpkin Pumpkin Pumpkin until know. Know Pumpkin. Am Pumpkin.
Bad scent strong. Outside now everything. No inside anymore. Pumpkin stop wake dream. Look up. Bad scent here. Big Cat here.
Hello Small Cat, Big Cat mew. Big Cat fear make Pumpkin, scare. Pumpkin hiss, arch back, try make fear Big Cat. No skin. Bone, claw, teeth. Big Cat no fear.
No hiss, Small Cat. No fight. Time, Small Cat, time.No Small Cat. Pumpkin, no Small Cat. Big Cat shakes head. Pumpkin is She name. Before you suckle teat, you no Pumpkin. All are Small Cat to Big Cat.Pumpkin fear. Big Cat say No fear, no fear. Pumpkin inside now Pumpkin outside. Understand?Pumpkin hiss more. Bad big scent. Big Cat bad. Small cat, you go outside now. Sleep no dream. Sleep now on.Pumpkin tired. Pumpkin lie on brown cold. Pumpkin cold. Pumpkin wake dream little groundlife and uplife. Fear make, play with little life, ground and up, play and make fear. Pumpkin sorry, Little Life, for fear. Pumpkin not know how fear Big Cat is. Pumpkin fear now, so Pumpkin sorry.
Be not sorry, Small Cat. How made Small Cat. Not fault. How made.No more love, Big Cat? No more warm and windows and food in dish, given by She paws? No more chasing light around inside, and warming against She? No more love?
Big Cat loves you, Small Cat. Not like She loves. Different, but love.Why, Big Cat? Pumpkin hunt, Pumpkin love, Pumpkin fear. Pumpkin alone. Why Pumpkin alone?
Small Cat, you are not alone. Never alone. No scared. How made. Made to live and run and chase, now made to lie. No scared.
Lay down, Small Cat. Lay down. Think about inside. Now there are little things inside Small Cat. Little things are hungry. Small Cat will make them happy, make them full. Cold ground will be warm again. Small Cat you will make warm ground grow again. It all love, from Mother’s teat to She paws to the little things inside you to the ground you make warm. All love. Lay down.
Sleep. Pumpkin sleep. Dark, no colors, no light. Just sleep. All love. Understand. Pumpkin understand now.
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